Love, the Loss, and a New Beginning

Those of you who read my last post know that I have been having a hard time adjusting to my new surroundings and academic demands. You also know that I had started to overcome my difficulties, and was feeling better about my situation as I was beginning to get more involved on campus.

Well, now I’m going to be really involved on campus.

A few weeks ago, I sat down with my boyfriend to discuss how I was feeling in our relationship. We live together, but with us both being so busy, we never really saw each other. The relationship felt distant, almost like we were roommates that just happened to sleep in the same bed. I chalked it up to our dense schedules, and just figured we could chat about it, start setting aside time for us, and then everything would be okay.

This was not the case.

He confessed that he no longer has feelings for me the way he once did. He has “fallen out of love,” and there is no way to fix it. Now, I don’t want to give the wrong impression here. This is not a messy, anger-filled, hateful breakup. Of course, it was not mutual, as I wanted to work things out, but I didn’t even know he was feeling that way. There was nothing I could do. He has done everything that he can to make it easier for me, even talking to me about it (which is super awkward considering he is the source of the sadness), but at least I haven’t lost him as a friend. I appreciate that.

I have still been living with him up to this point, simply because I have nowhere else to go. That is a really crappy feeling. To have to still reside with and see the person you love and would do anything for every day, when they can no longer reciprocate that, is such a horrible feeling. I know many people experience it, and I’m not the only one to ever have to go through something like this, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. My heart is broken into about ten million little pieces, and all I can do is try and pick up those pieces and keep going on with my life.

As of right now, I intend to move into an apartment on campus with a good friend of mine. I am not being kicked out of where I have been living, but it’s not necessarily a healthy situation to still see him and interact with him. It makes it much harder to move on. So, I’m planning on moving out next weekend. It’s terrifying. Just when I thought things were going good and I was finally (mostly) adjusted to this new place, my life is turned upside down once again and in shambles. I have to start all over. I have to readjust to another whole new place. I have to accept the very real fact that I may never see this person that I loved so fully for three and a half years ever again.

I don’t really know how to do that. But I’m trying. The process is filled with a hell of a lot of tears, some anger and frustration, knowingly withdrawing myself from social situations, and so on and so forth. It’s also filled with my parents always taking the time to talk to me when I’m having a really bad day, my friends trying to distract me and cheer me up, and several on-campus resources that have been helping me through this rough time.

I know that it is going to take some real time in order for me to start to feel okay again. I know I’ll be sad for a while. I also know that even though we’re not together anymore, he is still here for me and will still do just about anything to make sure I’m doing okay. He still cares, and that makes a huge difference. I’m thankful to have been in this relationship. I wish it would have lasted, but I’m so grateful for the times we shared and the love that he did give me. Our relationship taught me so many things and I would never give that up, for anything. Above all else, I want him to be happy, whether that is with me or without me. He will forever be in my heart, and I’m sure that down the road we will still be able to be good friends.

So, my heart is broken, my life is all over the place, and I have to pretty much begin again, but you know what?

I’ll still be okay.

Breakthrough: The Truth About Change

I opened up the good ol’ blog this dreary and drizzly morning knowing that I wanted to make a post, but wasn’t sure what it would be about. I thought maybe another update on college, but in all reality, it’s more of the same, just increasingly more difficult and busy as the days go on. That’s when I saw this prompt idea of breakthrough, and here I am.

Breakthrough. Normally the word is associated with some momentous realization or epiphany, and a person’s life is forever changed in some glorious and overly exuberant way.

It hardly ever works like that.

My breakthrough came after weeks of genuine hardship and tears, after day-in and day-out of having trouble adjusting to my new atmosphere. It came after I worried so much about things out of my control that I made myself physically ill, after I cried to my boyfriend on a daily basis because I missed home and didn’t know if I could do this.

Now, I know my previous posts made my life seem cheery and like everything was great. And it is, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard sometimes. I think that applies to mostly everyone’s lives. We all struggle, we all have a hard time with change, and we all have to give ourselves some credit for the amazing achievements that we accomplish. Moving to a city from a small rural town might not seem like that big of a deal at first glance, but when you pick it apart, it’s huge. I literally voluntarily left everything that I knew, a place where I was happy and comfortable, to throw myself into this unknown environment where I was unfamiliar with everything. Quite honestly, that takes a lot of guts.

So there I was, moved into a new home that still doesn’t quite feel like home, a month before classes started. During that month, I was pretty depressed, to say the least. I’ve struggled with my emotions before, but this time it was different. I didn’t have my parents with me, except for over the phone, and that took a toll on me. I could tell it was taking a toll on my boyfriend, too; he didn’t know how to make me feel better. He genuinely tried, but nothing seemed to help.

Once classes started, things got a little better. Until I failed an exam. And all my progress was derailed. I had never failed anything before. Community college, which is what I was used to, is so different than a university. Things are much more difficult here and require a lot more time and effort. I know that now. Of course, that didn’t stop me from crying for an entire day because of that exam. (Can you tell I don’t take failure well?) Alas, this is college, and you’re not supposed to be perfect.

After that rude awakening, I took charge of life. I signed up for a tutor, which, admittedly, was a huge blow to my self-esteem, but I realized that it’s okay to need help sometimes. I joined a dance troupe and am very excited about getting back into tap. Starting today, I’ll be going to meditation sittings once a week. I’m doing things for myself, and that’s really important. I’m learning that things might not always work out the way I want them to, but that’s okay, because things will always work out for the best in the end.

So, my breakthrough?

I’m going to be okay.

(Prompt idea via Daily Prompt: Breakthrough)

College, College, and More College

For some reason I had forgotten about this fabulous blog and I have not written in quite some time. Though I don’t have many regular readers, those of you who do keep up with my antics know that I was accepted into a prestigious university for the fall semester.

Well, here I am, sitting in one of the buildings at that prestigious university, loving life and soaking up every bit of college experience that I possibly can (including ignoring the fact that I continue to eat unhealthily… hey, it’s the College Experience!)

Today concludes my first week of classes, and so far, all is going well. I am very busy, between homework and trying to be involved on campus, but I’m really enjoying it. All of my classes except statistics, I really hate statistics, are interesting thus far. It’s definitely a big change from the community college I previously attended, but it’s a good change. The campus here is large, but not overwhelming, and very welcoming. It feels like home. I’m only sad that I’m a transfer and not starting as a freshman, because it means I won’t be here for very long. I do plan to continue on for my Master’s degree here, so that’s another two years post-graduation, but still. I just really love this place!

I’ve even managed to make some friends, and a couple really good friends, and that just makes the whole experience that much more exciting. I can’t say enough how much I’m enjoying it here. I’m having so much fun, and bettering myself at the same time. What more could you ask for?

That’s pretty much all I have as far as an update. I will try to be more consistent in posting things from now on, but we know how that goes. Time to go take a nap… I mean, do some homework…?

Changes… Exciting Changes

Things have been so crazy the past few months since I last posted that I forgot I even had a blog for a little while. Have no fear, though, an update on my life is here.

I had the incredible opportunity to shadow two speech pathologists over my spring break. Both work in schools; one with very young elementary schoolers and the other with kids ranging from 4th to 12th grade. After those job shadows, I was confident that this was a path I wanted to take in life. I was blown away by the willingness these kids had to let me into a very personal part of their lives as they worked on correcting their various speech impediments, whether it was articulation, lisps, stuttering, etc. Some of the children were shy and hesitant at first, but eventually warmed up to me and were okay with me sitting in on their session.

One particular set of kids, a boy and a girl, from my second shadow stands out in my mind. The girl struggles with articulating her R sounds, and the boy had trouble with swallowing excess saliva, making eye contact while speaking, speaking straight out rather than out of the side of his mouth, and articulation across the board. These kids came into their session, not knowing I would be there, and immediately sat down next to me and introduced themselves. The girl was far more social than the boy, but it didn’t matter, because her presence made him more confident and allowed him to converse with me. Their speech pathologist’s plan for that day’s session was to play a matching game to work on correcting the R articulation. Without hesitation, both children invited me to join their game. I was amazed with their ability to accept me and genuinely want to work with me. At the end of the day, I drove away from the school reflecting on those kids, and I knew that this was what I wanted my days to be like. It didn’t feel like work to me. I loved every second.

Of course, I’m not their speech pathologist, nor was I really working with them. But I knew that this was the basis of working on speech with young kids, and I knew that I wanted to do things like that everyday. I knew I would have so much fun with it.

All of that being said, I made the decision to apply for a private university a couple hours away from where I live. I applied for their speech pathology program as a transfer for the upcoming fall semester. I constantly checked my to-do list, making sure all my application materials were in. I went on a visit to this university in the meantime to learn more, and absolutely fell in love with the campus and the atmosphere. Almost immediately, I knew that it was the right college for me to continue my education.

A little over a week after the visit, I received an email from the university while sitting in class. “The admissions committee has reached a decision on your application,” it read. I excused myself from class to read it, because I knew I couldn’t wait another hour until the end of class.

I am very excited and proud to announce that I was accepted into the university’s speech pathology program! I will be starting this fall and I cannot wait to begin this journey. I have come such a long way since I began this blog. I now have a career path that I am so passionate about and I am so ready to just dive right into my studies.

I guess maybe my URL doesn’t really align with who I am anymore. Good thing I can at least change the blog title. I am no longer Lost and Unrenowned. I am still discovering more about myself each and every day, but now I am Going Somewhere and Found.

Gathering Options

The title is almost overly ambitious. I really have made very little progress in figuring out my career.

In my career planning class, I took a multiple intelligence test. The results didn’t really surprise me; I already knew what kind of person I was, but I guess it helped me narrow down some ideas that I had for careers. Here’s my top three intelligences:

Language (Linguistic): Basically, I enjoy writing, reading, and learning new words. This is true, obviously; I keep a blog and I have about five different journals that I write in on a regular basis. Some career ideas my group came up with in class for this intelligence were an English teacher, a lawyer, and a writer. I would love to be paid to write, to be an author. But, I just don’t see that as a steady source of income. People have to actually read what I write and like it first, and, based on the amount of views I get on this blog, that is not happening.

Nature (Naturalist): Self-explanatory. I like nature. Which is true, but do I see myself in a career dealing with nature? Not really. That’s more my boyfriend’s territory (he’s majoring in Environmental Engineering). Career ideas included a botanist, a gardener, and a veterinarian, but none of these really intrigue me.

Social (Interpersonal): I like being social and learning from other people. I also like to help others and I like to talk (duh. If you know me personally, you know that’s true). Career options included a teacher, a counselor, and a public speaker. Yes, I would like to be a counselor or therapist of some sort. But I guess I just don’t know if I have it in me. A lot of people I’ve come across in life have shot that idea down for me. I don’t need to go into detail, but I’m not sold on that career. I know I’m great at talking to people, helping them, and giving them advice, but I guess I’m just really not too sure.

My boyfriend’s mother thinks I should be a speech therapist for young children. This idea interests me. I don’t really have a lot of experience with kids, but I have experience with helping others. And, perhaps most importantly for that career, I have experience and knowledge of American Sign Language. Having two levels of ASL under my belt could really help kids learn how to communicate and overcome speech impediments. I’m thinking about doing a job shadow with a speech therapist to see what it’s all about.

So there you have it – some career options that I’m starting to explore. I guess it’s better than where I started (completely freakin’ clueless). Hopefully soon I can narrow it down even more. I wish it was easier to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life. This process is so very stressful.

Progress Report

Wow, it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted anything. Let me get you (all of my very few readers) updated on my life.

Penelope had her baby on December 10th… a rowdy little boy whom I’ve named Oedipus due to his incessant wish to mount his mother. I got another cage for him to live in, next to Penelope’s, until he is old enough to be neutered.

I’ve just started my final semester at my current college. I’m taking an art class, a career planning class, and a horror films class. It’s a pretty laid back semester, and I’m so very thankful for that.

I’m only two days into the career planning class, but I think it’s really going to help me figure out what I want to do in life. There are so many things that I’ll be doing in this class that are going to help me figure myself out, and possibly discover what I’m meant to be doing. And that’s really exciting to me, seeing as how my two years of college have taught me very little about myself thus far.

My boyfriend was accepted to his dream college and I am so very proud of him. I’ve started looking into other colleges in the same city, in hopes that we don’t have to be separated for weeks at a time. I have some options, though it’s hard to choose a school while still being unsure of what major you want, but hey, at least I’m trying.

Well, there you have it. A basic update on my life. Hopefully soon I will have some solid ideas on where I want my life to go. Being undecided is so overrated.

Near-Future… Grandmother?

Wow, that title is alarming. 

I took Penelope into the vet for a wellness exam. The appointment had been scheduled for about a week and within the past couple days she hadn’t been eating as much as she was before. She would whine for food, and try to eat it, but it seemed like she was incapable of struggling. She lost interest in her hay, which she had previously loved. So, it was a good thing that I was taking her in. I was prepared for the worst. 

Well, after a full exam, the vet explained that she felt a mass on both sides of her abdomen. She said she’d like to do an x-ray to make sure she was correct, but she diagnosed her with something I could have never expected. 

Penelope is pregnant! She has pregnancy toxemia, and this is why she was disinterested in her food. I was given some supplemental paste to help her gain weight and get enough vitamins and nutrients. 

Certainly, this happened long before I adopted her. It must have happened in the pet store (in which the males are supposed to be separated from the females, so… ?!), because the vet said she’s at least 40 days along. (A Guinea pig’s gestation period is roughly 68 days.) She showed me the x-ray, and I saw the skeletons of the two little piggies inside her. Everyone in the office was congratulating me on my newfound grand-parenthood. I was pretty much still in shock. But of course, I am very excited to have a couple baby Guinea pigs, and will hopefully be able to keep one or both (depending on the sexes). 

It’s a Christmas miracle…?

Busy Bee

Well, it’s amazing that I even have time to sit and write this post. I have been so busy lately. Between college, work, and now taking care of Penelope, it feels like I’ve been running around all over the place nonstop.

College is going okay. I enjoy the majority of my classes, but there’s always one every semester that everyone hates. I won’t go into specifics, but the teacher and the class as a whole is sending me over the edge and I’m feeling pretty stressed out. Other than that, college is fine.

Work is consistently becoming more busy with each day that it gets closer to Christmas. Especially on the weekends, there are so many people all over the place asking me questions that I can’t even get done what I need to get done. Holiday season: the worst happiest time of the year!

Penelope is my saving grace. She is starting to get warmed up to me and isn’t as timid as she was when she first arrived in my home. I’ve been having fun learning what kinds of veggies are her favorites, and she’s been having fun trying to eat my veggie-scented fingers after I feed her. Everyday I let her sit on my lap for a while and pet her. I recently discovered that she loves to have her chin scratched. She needs floor time too, so until I get her a play pen, I’ve been sitting in the bathroom with her with the door closed, just letting her run around and be a silly guinea pig. She loves it.

I might not be getting a lot of free time lately, but Penelope makes me smile on a daily basis, so that’s good enough for me.

The Queen Has Arrived

I have exciting news today. Well, exciting for me.

I am now the proud owner of a Guinea pig!

Her name is Penelope… Queen P. when she feels royal. I adopted her from a friend who could no longer keep her. She was in need of a home, and I had been thinking about getting one for a few weeks. It sort of worked out perfectly.

Along with the queen herself, I also received her cage and all the necessities for caring for her. This is a pretty big deal for me. I have never had a pet of my own, so this is a whole new experience. I find myself constantly googling things to make sure she’s okay and that I’m doing everything right. She’s still a little hesitant, as she is now in a new home with new people, but I’m hoping that she will warm up to my family and myself soon.

Overall, I am very excited to take on this new responsibility and to have a cute little fur ball to snuggle up with. (Even if she does poop a lot.)

  

What I Know Thus Far

I may not know where to go to continue my education or what to major in after I receive my Associates, but there are a few things I’ve learned about myself over the past two years of college.

• I don’t have to be working at the place that I do now forever. Nor am I meant to work there forever. I can complain about it all I want, but deep down I know that for right now, that job is perfect. I can leave once I’m done with this year of college, and I will leave with some solid experience under my belt. I can’t complain about that.
• I like to write. Well, of course. I don’t think I need to explain that. I’m typing an entry to a blog. Enough said.
• I have new-found artistic talent. I’m taking a drawing class this semester, and much to my surprise, I can actually draw. Of course, I’m no Van Gogh or Degas, but I’m pretty pleased with how most of my projects have turned out.
• I’m learning American Sign Language, and I like it. This is my second semester of ASL. I’m definitely not fluent yet, but I could probably hold a pretty decent conversation with another signing or deaf person. And, it’s no easy task to learn ASL, but I really enjoy it. I don’t think I could be an interpreter, but I love knowing that I have the capability to use this beautiful language.

Knowing these things don’t necessarily help me narrow down a path that I want to take after this year, but understanding them leads me to take a teeny-tiny baby step in the right direction.

If only I could take a Bigfoot-sized step…